On Learning, Loving & Leaving

The past four years a have learned a lot both inside and outside the classroom. I have learned about the mechanics of muscles (why your arms and legs move the way that they do and what muscles cause what movement), I have learned a lot about the brain and the different systems of the body and details for all of the things that happen every minute solely to keep you alive (all of which we have no control over), I have learned that the longest relationship people typically have is with their siblings, I learned how to count and organize genes, I learned how to research and find trustworthy articles (hint: not always Wikipedia), I learned how to write professional documents, conduct research, and tons more things. While all of those are important and valuable and actually are what is giving me my degree in 11 days, the things I learned outside the classroom I count much more valuable. I learned where to go to watch the sunrise and the sunset, I learned that dryer lint is excellent for starting a fire, I learned that after midnight your friendships start to actually get real, I learned how to cook and clean an apartment (even when I didn’t necessarily have time for it), I learned how to do things that I love and do them alone sometimes. I learned how to get along with people that I really disagree with, how to encourage someone who I am nothing like, I learned how to cherish the little moments, and to always make time for someone who needs to talk. I learned that most times sleep really is better than extra time studying. And above all, I learned so much about myself, and just how splendidly insignificant I am on this planet.

The past 4 years here at Clemson have held pretty much every emotion you can think of. There were seasons of grief and confusion, seasons of joy and contentment, seasons of frustration and stress, and literally every other emotion in the book. I have cried more tears in the past 4 years than I thought possible, and I have also laughed so much I am sure I will live to be 150 years old. I have found friends who have seen the deepest, darkest and most sinful parts of my heart and have joined me in the darkness, speaking the gospel louder than the lies and fears. I have friends who I would have never had the chance to meet without college become people I love dearly. There has been a lot of love over the past 4 years. Love for my school, love for people, love for classes, love for my church, and love for my Lord. I know it’s kind of cliché to say, but I feel like a totally different person than the girl that moved into Manning Hall 4 years ago. The Lord has blessed me abundantly while here at Clemson with more friends than I can count who encourage me and make me love my savior more, with a college church that has given me the opportunity to grow under strong teaching and theology and given me the chance to lead and serve alongside believers who love the Lord so much, but I would say the greatest blessing I have been given has been the difficulties I have faced. I have seen firsthand just how much my love and desire for the Lord have grown through the difficult seasons of life. I have learned more of my sin and my need for the gospel in the past 4 years than all the previous ones put together. The hard things, the times when I wanted most to flee from the lessons, were the times when I have felt closest to the Lord and understood the most of his heart. Scripture tells us that the Lord is near to the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18) and let me tell you I have been in that seat. It’s a beautiful thing to experience just how the Lord uses pain to draw us to himself.

So here we are, 4 years later and I am really starting to realize that it’s time to say goodbye. I don’t want to. I love Clemson, I love my friends, I love my roommate, I love my church, I am comfortable here. I don’t want to leave. This desire to stay is made complicated even more by the fact that I don’t know where I am leaving for. I would be the first one to tell you this, but I hate change, especially when the details are fuzzy. This semester has been an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly think I have cried at least once a week for the past 2 months. Leaving is hard, friends. Goodbyes are difficult and painful, and I would much rather just stick with hellos. One of the things that the Lord has given me the most of this past semester is peace. As someone who is constantly making lists, thinking ahead and micromanaging as much of my life as possible, I have experienced a level of confidence unparalleled in my life thus far. The Lord has graciously given me friends who continually remind me that the Lord is good and that he has good plans for me, that regardless of what they are or where they may lead, they are for my good and for his glory. I won’t lie and say I don’t have a preference, but I have learned more about trusting the Lord this semester than I ever would have if I knew what I was doing after graduation, and that is a GOOD GIFT. While that doesn’t make the waiting and uncertainty any easier, it definitely gives it a different purpose. I would also be the first to tell you that I am the queen of laying things in the Lord’s hands only to pick it back up 10 minutes later because I think I know what is best, what a joke right? As if anything I could plan for myself could ever compare to the Lord’s plans for my life. I would hope that the past 4 years have changed me into a woman whose heart looks a little more like Christs, that I have learned to listen first and speak second, and that above all people matter most.

So, to all of you friends, family, and total strangers who keep asking me what I am doing after graduation allow me to enlighten you: I will be following the Lord’s lead. I am holding my future in wide open, cupped hands. I don’t know best, I will never know best, and if I am truly honest with myself, I don’t want to know best. And I would rather be bringing him glory doing whatever and wherever it is he wants me instead of any plan that I could piece together. Please be praying for me as I try to discern where he leads, and feel free to ask me how things are going.