New Year, New Challenges!

Well everyone, here we are! Another year gone, and time once again to prepare to write the wrong year on everything for the next three weeks. Time once again for everyone asking "Do you have any New Years Resolutions?" In answer to that, I really don't know what to say, I don't usually make them consciously, they just kind of sneak up on me.

However, in a conversation with some sweet sisters recently, I realized a pretty important thing: if I decide to set a new years resolution and have the mindset of "I can do this!" I am automatically setting myself for failure. Regardless of what my resolution is, regardless of how Christ centered it may be, and no matter how determined I am to accomplish it. I can do NOTHING without the Lord. Anything good in me comes from Him, and Him alone. A dear friend of mine pointed out some major sin in my life recently. She pointed out that I was getting caught in that endless black hole of thinking I have something down, thinking I have finally conquered something, and all the while I am only sinking deeper into my failure, because I AM nothing and can DO nothing without Christ. 

While thinking over my last year, and assessing what I should focus on (with the Lord's help) and work to grow in this year, I was hit over the head with a huge realization. This blog is entitled "She Dared to Live with her Heart Wide Open" and I have tried my best to make that happen in each post (sorry there weren't more of those by the way). After thinking through my posts this year, I realized what I needed to grow in, what I needed to pursue, and let me tell you I was definitely one of those, "Sarah, you're such an idiot, duh!" moments for me. I have written posts called "Questing for Contentment" and "Endless Cascades" and in countless conversations and moments of prayer I have been pursuing contentment and joy. Yet, I realized through some recent circumstances that I was missing a vital aspect of this pursuit. Not only was I falling into the black hole again of thinking I had it down pat, but I realized that my joy and my contentment are very much so linked to my current circumstances. And that is not true contentment, or joy. I was seeking joy and contentment inside of a box, applying it to certain circumstances and days instead of developing a over-arching appreciation that the beauty of those things is that they can (and should) be present in my life regardless of my day-to-day. In spite of the grades, regardless of my friendships, no matter my schedule, and all those little things that can and should magnify my joy; I cannot find true joy and contentment inside a box, it cannot be isolated, because those things come from the Lord, and the Lord is in everything. They are blessings that can be found each and every day, in everything I see, in every conversation, should be evident in every action, and yet I find that they are not. 

I have been chasing a shallow, worldly version of joy and content with what I thought I had, because I thought I was making it, when in reality, I was just sinking farther and farther below the waves, convinced I was paddling steadily towards the shore. "There is always the danger of thinking 'I'm something'" and friends, I was deep in that lie. 

This time last year I discarded the blog that I had been writing through high school and started afresh, with a new goal in mind. I guess you could say my resolution last year was to be candid, both with you all and with myself, and this blog has been an avenue for both of those, and obviously (from the past few paragraphs) has been an instrument in my sanctification. So this year, I have decided to continue to openly and wholeheartedly pursue joy and contentment, but this time by seeking them in the Lord. To value opinions, grades, friendships, and my own failures less, and instead to search for the joy in everything. (I am also reading a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Anna Voskamp and let me tell you from personal experience, it will wreck you in the best and most humbling way). I will be daily pleading for the Lord's help because I know I cannot do this on my own, and Lord willing, I will be finding my contentment and joy in what the Lord has done in me, for me, and trusting his plans. 

So, here's to a new year full of good intentions, lots of failures covered by grace, and healthy reminders of my own devastating insignificance.